INT. STARBUCKS - DAY
TODD lifts his "Writer" ballcap and scratches his head as he reads the screenplay for "Dirty Mary And Crazy Larry."
TODD
As I wait to meet Phil Landa, the second place winner in the just completed American Screenwriter Association screenwriting contest because he happens to live in the same town as me, I thought I'd toss up a funny...
Todd takes a sip of his large cup of house blend coffee.
TODD
It seems the esteemed and revered Unknown Screenwriter has been getting quite a few amateurish screenwriting email questions that are clogging up his inbox and preventing him from getting to the "good" ones. So I thought I'd give him a hand and answer a few for him.
Todd slips a sheet of paper out from under the script and holds it up.
TODD
This is totally hot scalding tongue in coffee soaked cheek and should not be mistaken for actual advice. Okay, here we go...
Should I type FADE IN: at the beginning of my screenplay?
"only in lieu of a mascara pencil or urine soaked artist's paint brush" (real answer:yes)
* Should I number my scenes?
"try lettering them first starting with F" (real answer:no)
* Generally speaking, about how many parentheticals should I have in my screenplay?
"specifically speaking (none)" (real answer: few, but actors hate them so be careful)
* Can I just type FIN at the end of my screenplay?
"if you're doing Flipper Does Dallas, yeah" (real answer: Fade Out or The End works best)
* Do you use Celtx?
"no, but I found rubbing on cinnamon hot warming gel works wonders" (real answer: no)
* If I use Celtx to write my screenplay will I have a better chance of selling it?
"if you also include cash, bottle of Cristal and a free pass to the Silicone Wax Breast Museum" (real answer: after you print the script out it should look like a pro script so doesn't matter if it is in Final Draft, MovieMagic, Celtx, Word or Sophocles -- they won't care)
* Should I sign my screenplay?
"Steve Zailian helps or Frank Darabont or Tony Gilroy or..." (real answer: no, only name typed on cover page with contact info)
* Should I include my email address on my screenplay?
"get an address at bigcock.com first and use that" (real answer: definitely put down as contact)
* Why do I have to put my character’s name in caps througout my screenplay?
"because bandanas and french berets are so passe" (real answer: first time character is introduced it is in CAPS, and then your software will auto put caps on his name in format)
* What do I do with my screenplay when I’m finished with it?
"level off that wobbly table, swat flies or bring it with you to coffee shops and act cool" (real answer: rewrite it a few times, get an opinion from a non-family member on it, write another)
* Can you take a look at page 69 of my screenplay and tell me if it’s correct?
"that would mean reading 68 painful pages first and since I haven't masturbated today I really don't have that much time on my hands" (real answer: see the first answer)
* Should I send my screenplay to you in a box or an envelope?
"if you do I'll put you in a body bag" (real answer: get the proper shipping boxes and padded envelopes to send scripts, but only to people who ask for them, never send it unsolicited)
* If I pay you $5000, will you help me sell my screenplay?
"let's start with a hundred to read it, a grand to edit it, then write the big check" (real answer: if you got that much spare cash you should consider financing your own production of it)
* If I pay you $10,000 will you help me sell my screenplay?
"yes, yes, fuck yes" (real answer: I will also wash your car, pick lint out of your bellybutton and give you personal synopsis of everything playing on TV at night)
* Will you marry me?
"as soon as my ordained minister certificate comes in from Botawana" (real answer: no)
* What font should I use to write my screenplay?
"Effexor" (real answer: only courier or new courier of FD courier etc)
* Can I just write my screenplay in Word?
"how were you planning on telling your story, with oral narration and stick figure drawings?" (real answer: as long as the formatting adheres to the standard screenplay structure but never send it out in Word, use a PDF or software format if the person asks for it)
* How many pages should my screenplay be?
"one continuous flowing document so the reader has to keep going" (real answer: when first starting out try to get it over 85 and keep it under 120, when you are famous you can submit your 225 page epics)
* How long should each act of my screenplay be?
"act 1 30 pgs, act 2 60 pgs, act 3 30 pgs" (real answer: opening 1/3, middle where all the shit hits the fan 2/3, ending and wrap up 1/3 keeping it between the 85-120 pgs total)
* Is it okay if my hero and villain both have the same name?
"I can't wait to see Batman Vs Batman and Darryl, Darryl and My Other Brother Darryl:The Movie" (real answer: no)
* Is it okay if my Protagonist is Hillary Clinton?
"only if you live in a blue State or want universal health care" (real answer: as long as it is not a bio pic you can pretty much write what you want. Getting someone to option it is a different story though as it may be a hot potato subject)
* Is it okay to thank my Mom in my screenplay?
"right after the group orgy scene in the animal shelter, toss in a thanks" (real answer: if you want to thinly disguise one by writing it into a storyline go ahead, but not for real)
* Is it okay to thank my husband in my screenplay?
"did he stay awake after he rolled off you as you wrote it?" (real answer: see above real answer)
* Is it okay to thank YOU in my screenplay?
"of course, my name is Todd Gordon, stamp it all over the place" (real answer: no)
* Do you accept credit cards?
"I stopped taking Amex as they were tracking them down and never ones with female names" (real answer: if you buy some of my crap on ebay you can use Paypal)
* Do you live alone?
"they give me an hour yard time and 20 minutes to shower" (real answer: no)
* What’s your favorite color?
"fresh dripping crimson blood red!!!!" (real answer: red)
* What’s your favorite food?
"brains" (real answer: tortellini done putanesca style)
* What’s your favorite drink?
"hemlock over ice" (real answer: draft beer)
* Do you smoke?
"I'm on fuckin' fire, baby" (real answer: no, never have)
* Do you drink?
"does the Pope read The Drudge Report?" (real answer: yes)
* What color are your eyes?
"the ones I just popped out with my switchblade were blue" (real answer: brown)
* When’s the last time you had sex?
"I'm having it now as I type" (real answer: I just had it as I typed that last bit)
FADE OUT
11 comments:
Golf clap, sir.
This is a good idea. I think a meme has been created today. I'm gonna do this tomorrow.
Emily - way cool -- I see that $1000 Film blog dude did one too so it is catching
well done moviequill, very funny
$1,000... I'll get a link out from my article later today
LOL
Glad to see you haven't disappeared into the Boston Underground.
I'm going for the meme thing too.
This is great. I, too, think it should be a meme with stupid questions writers have gotten.
The last question I heard from a screenwriter was "Is that a large Big Mac Meal, sir?"
Speaking of memes.......TAG!
I'm still trying to wrap my head around how to write a script that is 4/3rds as long as it is. Does that mean a 120 page script is made up of 4 sections that are each 40 pages long? Or does a third of 120 pages work out to 30 pages?
Argh, Hollywood math is hard.
Slacking off on the blog there, Moviequill?
Anyway, an old friend who used to be a "legend" around these parts seems to be blogging again. And this one is hilarious.
Check this out
http://docmarga.blogspot.com/
Fun little article. My check for $10,000 is in the mail.
Quill,
Good post.
You should upgrade this
a post on www.storylink.com
as a guess.
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